


As Long As It Takes

by jvnsen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Episode Related, Hurt Alec, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Spoilers up until s2e05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 11:37:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9547469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvnsen/pseuds/jvnsen
Summary: Strange how no matter what the distance, you can never escape yourself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> As Long As It Takes - The Spill Canvas

The first time Alec’s parents express their disappointment in him, he trains and he trains and he trains. He hits the punching bag until his knuckles are cracked, he spars with whoever will indulge him until he’s covered in bruises, he shoots arrows until his hands are bloody and cramping and he feels like he can’t continue but he does.

\--

When Alec realizes he has feelings for Jace, feelings for his  _ brother _ , his future Parabatai, he flees the Institute. He doesn’t want to look at Jace, doesn’t feel like he even deserves to be around Jace, with his dirty thoughts and his fucked up head and - 

He runs until he can’t breathe. He runs until he has to stop to vomit in the grass. He runs until he has to put a hand up against the nearest wall to keep himself standing upright because everything is blurry and his vision has black spots in it.

\--

The first time Alec kisses a boy, it’s a stranger who just happens to have blonde hair and a cocky attitude, and Alec doesn’t eat for two days because he can’t even stomach himself, let alone food. 

\--

Isabelle, of course, figures out that he’s. 

He’s.

She helps. She tells him that it’s okay, it’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with him, and she quiets the voice in his head, although she doesn’t make it go away completely.

He doesn’t hurt himself for a while.

\--

All of a sudden, Magnus comes into his life and it’s overwhelming.

Magnus is confident, and he wears makeup, and he talks about being with other men like it’s no big deal and it makes Alec confused because he’s never known anything other than being shameful, guilty,  _ scared _ .

Alec wants so badly to be the type of fearless that Magnus is that his chest aches with it.

\--

He lets Clary get kidnapped and Jace is pissed. 

If that was the only thing that had happened, maybe it would’ve been okay, but everything lately is going so, so wrong and it’s all coming down on him and it’s all his fault.

His arm is already hurt from the demon attack, it’s barely even begun healing, but it doesn’t stop him from going back to the punching bag and letting the pain run up his arm and into his shoulder until it feels like it’s on fire.

\--

Alec kisses Magnus.

The voice in his head is quiet.

\--

Alec gets possessed, because that’s his life. 

He gets possessed and his hands kill Jocelyn. His hands kill Clary’s mom. His hands kill Jace’s mom. His hands kill. 

He shoots for hours and his hands bleed. He pulls on the bow string and his hands bleed. He grabs another arrow and his hands bleed. Jace tries to tell him it’s not his fault and his hands bleed. 

He deserves it.

\--

He goes to Magnus’. 

“Too busy to use the healing rune?”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You’re hurting. Badly. You hope the pain here will overpower the pain there. I wish it were that simple.”

“I let a demon in, Magnus.”

“That wasn’t your fault.”

They’re silent for a moment.

“Alec… Have you done this before?”

Alec does what he knows best how to do. He scoffs and deflects. “Gotten possessed by a demon and killed someone? No.”

“How long have you been hurting yourself?”

“I’m not - I don’t…”

“Why don’t you come inside, Alexander?”

Alec sits on the other side of the sofa from Magnus. He came here for Magnus, seeking comfort, but at the same time, he knows he doesn’t deserve it. He keeps his distance.

Magnus moves closer to him, though, and puts a hand onto Alec’s aching one. “May I?”

_ No. I want it to hurt.  _ But Alec can’t say that. He shrugs.

Magnus heals him, and there’s not even a phantom ache of the cuts that used to be on his hand. When he flexes his hand there’s no pain. 

The pain that blooms in his chest, though, threatening to burst now that Alec has nothing else to focus on, is there. 

“You have to stop, Alexander. I know it hurts. I know. But I’m here. Okay?”

Alec makes his hand into a fist. He digs his nails into his palm. He unclenches his hand.  
  
“Okay.”


End file.
